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Friday, July 21, 2006

I am being tested

I have started to write this post at least 6 times and then stopped. Unfortunately, the news is not good, that is why this is so hard. Our adoption is on a temporary pause (please pray or whatever it is that you do that this is a VERY short pause). My husband decided to speak up that he is having some doubts and questions in his mind about becoming a parent - not about adopting, but his ability to be a great parent. I think that every first time parent goes through these fears and questions their ability to raise a little life. It is totally normal. It is not normal to wait until the point that we have gotten to discuss them with me for the first time.

To say the least, this has been hard for me. The pain is very real. I have talked to some other adoptive parents who have had very similar situations and they have made me feel a million times better. I am doing my best to keep the frame of mind that Lucy is out there, God just needed us to get her a little later in the year.

That is really all I want to say about it at this point other than we are both working as hard as we possibly can to get past this as soon as possible. I know in my heart that we will get through this and Lucy will still come home to us soon. Any prayers, thoughts, or advice are more than welcome at this point. We can use all of the help we can get.

21 comments:

Susan said...

This certainly is hard news to share. My thoughts are definitely with you!

Karrie said...

My thoughts are with you and your family as you work through this.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about this trial. I know that the very prospect of that little girl out there has wrapped around your heart. You know I have a 9 month old daughter and when I have time to actually think about being aparent I am honestly frightened. Luckily I have my daughter here to show me how to be a parent. Be understanding of your husbands concerns(which I am sure you are) and know that no one is ever prepared to become a parent. When I was pregnant....as it got closer I would have mini-attacks. I don' tknow how to express that it's really normal and that it is a sign that you will be excellent parents. The fact that you actually care whether you are a good parent. I don't think I was able to convey how it is frightening but it always will be but it is such a great joy and embracing it and moving forward is the only way to deal with those feelings....truly!! Anyways I hope something I said helps!! Good luck. I'll pray for you guys!!
Lindsay

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie. I am soo sorry. This must be a difficult time for you and for your hubby. Take it as it comes and I really do hope you get things figured out.

You will both be great parents. Sometimes timing is everything (I am sure you don't want to hear that).

Thinking of you-Jenny (bringmemia)

mommy magallanes said...

I'm sorry. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you. It's hard. My husband doubted his parenting (thought he would leave it all up to me because he thought he wouldn't know what to do) and it continued until he held Chloe in his arms. Then he dove right in. I hate to say it, but I think that all or most parents "wing it." I know that we do. We just do what we think will be best for her and pray we're doing right by her. You'll both be fabulous parents because of how much you love her.

I know it's hard and scary and I wish your husband peace with his struggles.

Carolyn said...

I'm glad you were able to share this difficult news with us. My husband actually felt the same way and never thought he'd want or have children. You will continue to be in my thoughts everyday.

Stacey said...

My husband felt the exact same way as yours for quite a while. I tried to ease his fears - but everytime I talked to him about it - it actually made it worse. It was hard for me not be emotional about it when I talked to him - so he felt more pressure. I finally realized that I could do nothing to help him with it - I had to give that over to God. So, I started praying that God would give him peace and the wisdom to realize that he could be the parent he wanted to be, and I prayed that God would help me to be gentle and patient with him while he struggled. A few months later his attitude changed and was ready to proceed.
There are still times when fear overcomes him - but I think that is normal for all new parents.

I will pray for you both. I will also pray that your referral comes at the perfect time when you both are ready!

Nina said...

I am just so sorry to read this. It IS good your hubby shared this with you because now you can discuss and deal with this. My hubby had many fears before we had our first. I know I told my hubby he doesn't have to be a GREAT dad....just a good one....and sure we will both make mistakes....we can only hope the ones we make aren't so bad in the end. The fact that your hubby is scared is a GREAT SIGN that he will be a GREAT DAD! Why? BECAUSE HE CARES!!! And that is step #1 in the right direction!

My thoughts and prayers are with both of you that you can deal with this hump and be blessed soon.

LawMommy said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I will tell you that my husband and I both had this reaction regarding becoming parents the first time - unfortunately, I was in labor and there really was no turning back. I think sometimes you get SO CLOSE to something, and you realize that what has been longed for is actually upon you, and you think, "dear Lord, what have I done??" - but, almost all of the time, people rise to the occasion. It's the people who don't contemplate what it means to be a good parent who so often are really really bad parents.

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

Christina said...

You know, we have three kids and I still have panic attacks about adopting Zeeb... it's the whole idea of going from what we know into something that we have no idea how it will work out. It's scary. And it's good your husband told you, though certainly his timing could have been better (!!!) but now you know how to pray for him. When I was praying for B~ to get on board with adopting (the first time) God actually gave him a dream that totally turned him around. So anyway, I'll be praying for you both.

erinlo said...

Kelly- I am so sorry for what ya'll are going through right now. I wanted to tell you that my husband experienced something very similar before our first child was born- except since it was a "bio" child, he didn't have a choice about the timing. What a blessing that ya'll do have control over the timing!!! AND I really really believe that your husband will come around. I know he wants this baby- all those precious clothes he bought her. You just hang in there and pray! and know that there are MANY others praying also!

Melanie said...

I think I freak out and have a mild to medium panick attack every Third day. Adopting, heck, even paperchasing, is really stressful. You feel like you can't do anything right, how can you even become a parent. The thing that really stressed me out for a while was all the 'what to expect' books. I totally felt incapable of being a parent. I have been in child care for years, but reading all those books made me feel like I had no idea about what I was doing. Having some really good friends talk me through it (and hours on end of prayer) really helped. It just takes time to realize you will do your best no matter what. I will pray for your family, and may this soon be a distant memory.

Hugs,
Melanie

Anonymous said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. It is a VERY tough thing you are going through and as you know all things happen for a reason... God has his plan. A year ago the same thing happened to me. I was busy paperchasing thinking all was a-ok when hubby put the breaks on. (we have 2-bio) he wasn't convinced we should have more. It was a very miserable year and I just prayed and prayed my urge for more kids would go away or he would feel the same way I did. Then after the first of the year he said he was ready to talk further. Your the one who introduced me to Vorf. I saw it mentioned on your blog. (Thank you) Men have all sorts of fears they never fess up to. Your time will come and I will pray that it is soon!
Brenda

c h e l said...

*huge hugs* Oh, my heart is just breaking reading this. I wish I could talk to your husband- I shared some of the same doubts, but after doing it for a week, I realized the things I worried about aren't an issue AT ALL.

As far as dealing with MY husband, I've realized the best way to get my point across (and make sure he doesn't blow off whatever the issue is) is by sating it clearly once, and then asking once a week or every two weeks if he's given it any thought.

There might be some books out there on this subject. I wish my brain were less foggy so I could be a better help :( Please don't hesitate if you need to talk or need someone to lean on.

Suz said...

Kelly, I'm praying for y'all. This has got to be so tough.

Anonymous said...

Oh no!

You are both such nice, sweet people (yes, that is evident, even over the web); I hate to have you *both* worried sick.

Breathe deeply, let others' comfort and love you and know that this, too, shall pass.

Adding my prayers, that you may have peace and confidence in this journey.

Waiting For Baby! said...

I'm sorry to hear this, but I certainly think it is normal. I hope you and your husband can ease any fears that you two might have, and realize that every parent in the world feels that way.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kelly,
I was heartbroken to read your last post. I am waiting for adoption between Canada and Vietnam to open here. I have been thinking about the two of you lately. The thing that I wanted to tell you is that most people that I have known who have had their first child through pregnancy have experience that last minute anxiety and doubt. The difference with being pregnant is that the baby is coming no matter what. And those people all manage to work through it. Cancelling the adoption was very harsh to you because you have been expecting Lucy too. I understand the you will grieve over the referral of the sweet baby girl that will go to another family. I think that you and your husband should talk to a consellor ASAP so that this does not damage your marriage as well. Please keep posting. You are in my prayers and meditation. May you find peace.

EHCOREY said...

Like everyone else, I am heartsick for you. As I am sure you have told your husband, nobody is perfect. We just all do the best we can. The most important thing is that you two will adore Lucy. That in itself will be the greatest gift to her, and in turn make you great parents.

Shana said...

Kelly- My heart is with you. Believe it or not, my husband did not want to adopt at first. It took a year or so for him to get on board- but he did. And now Sophie Lu is the love of his life. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help... I think it will just take time. And yes, Lucy will be waiting- and when she's in your arms, you will realize that this delay was actually a blessing. :)

Big Hugs, Shana
(from Waiting for Sophie)

Anonymous said...

Kelly, I am so sorry to hear that! I was wondering why you were quiet for so long. I really enjoy following your blog since I figure you're only a few months "ahead" of me even though we're with different agencies. I was so surprised to hear that about your husband after seeing all the adorable outfits he picked out for Lucy. He's going to make a great dad. He obviously loves your little Lucy already. He just needs to know that fear is normal and absolutely necessary. It's the people who don't realize the trememdous responsibility parenting is in shaping another life that end up damaging the precious children in their care. I hope he comes around soon. You're both in my thoughts.

Erin