One of those Days

I had a day today that I wish I could just take back. A day where in hindsight I would have changed how I handled things. It was for the most part fine, but by the end of the day, I was maxxed out. This evening and late afternoon, Lucy absolutely HAD to be in my arms - no place else would work. If I put her down even for a moment to do something like use the restroom, she immediately went into a full on meltdown. I mean big tears and all. Needless to say, we spent a lot of time in a chair with her head on my shoulder just snuggled up or with her snuggled in my lap with a book. She is rarely fussy and I would venture to say I have never seen her like this. Yes, she is a mama's girl, but this was an all new extreme. She seemed to be extra tired, so I am going to blame it on that. She went to bed a bit early and was instantly asleep. Maybe she just needed more momma time, I don't know. What I do know is that at some point she HAS to be put down for me to do something such as get her food or bottle ready, or again, use the restroom. And by the end of the day, I just wanted to put her down in general.

Don't get me wrong, I love my time with Lucy. A normal day for us is the perfect amount of time of us in full interaction mode, (reading, playing games, or just hanging out with each other with no other distractions) getting out of the house for a while, and me doing little things around the house in the same room that she is playing in - we still are talking and interacting with one another. She is generally really great at self entertainment while I prepare her meals or do a little cleaning. I would say at least 95% of our days together are easy and fun for both of us. We both laugh a whole lot and spend a lot of time close to one another. This day was different. As I said, she simply could not be anywhere but in my lap or in my arms. I ate my dinner tonight with her in my arms!

Days like this are exhausting for me, but even worse, they are the days that I get upset with myself and how I handle the situation. Obviously, I obliged her and held her ALL afternoon and evening. Who wants a screaming child following you around attached to your legs? NOT ME! She does full on leech onto my legs now and will not let go. By the end, I was frustrated. My back hurt and I wanted to put her down. Its not like I was yelling at her or anything like that, I just know that my overall attitude was not a happy/lovey one. It was an attitude of the sooner you go to bed, the better. All I could think about was me, and if any of us think that these little ones can't pick up on these attitudes, you are crazy. They know when we are tense and frustrated and it makes them even worse.

When I was rocking her to sleep and giving her a bottle and she was so peaceful and content and relaxed in my arms, it hit me. It shouldn't be all about ME. Something was making her act this way. Something got her off of her normal self today. Why would I be upset that she actually wants to cuddle and be close to me and that she finds comfort in my arms? Someday she is not going to want that, and she is going to be too big to hold and worse yet, she is not going to want to be held. And that someday is going to come soon since time seems to be literally flying by. I need to embrace every moment that we have together. I LOVE that she is very dependent on me. Think about it, they are only wholly dependent on us for such a short period of their life. Soon she is going to be making decisions for herself and doing things on her own. Why do so many people think that we are overindulging our babies by holding them and comforting them when they are upset? Babies who are held more do NOT turn out to be spoiled brats or difficult kids as they get older. I can promise that it is not the holding and loving that makes kids who turn out "bad" bad. Read the research people. I hate defending why I do things for Lucy the way I do. It is because she needs me, and oh yeah, she is a BABY. I in no way am perfect in my attachment parenting techniques, but I try really hard. I still crack sometimes and can't handle it, but this is very very rare. And the thing is, for me at least, 99.9% of the things that I find myself wishing I could be getting done can wait. They can wait until she is having a better day and is not upset. I do have the time to sit and comfort her and if I didn't have the time, I would need to find it because the baby needs that attention. For me, that craved attention is so critical. I don't want to push her away to not crave my attention. So, I had a mental check tonight that I need to chill out when days go a bit hectic and embrace the fact that she still really needs me. I mean she really really needs me, and when she is tired or uncomfortable or sad, I am the one that she desires. And I like that. And I am 100% positive that these days are not the norm for us, but when she has a bad day, she needs her momma.

Do you guys find yourselves actually getting frustrated with your child even though they are only infants? And then do you think to yourself, they don't really know any better and are trying to be comforted the best way they know how - which is with their mom or dad? And then do you feel guilty, like I clearly am right now for how you handled the situation? I know it is normal to get frustrated. I just wish I could keep my frustrations in check a little better. Even though I know it is impossible, do you find yourself always wanting to be the perfect parent? I do, and put a lot of pressure on myself to do so.